Joan Van Ark
Sexy

At 15, the beautiful, blonde Joan Van Ark was already making a name for herself in her hometown of Boulder, Colorado, by playing Anne Frank in a stage production. She ended up enrolling as the second-youngest student in the Yale School of Drama. After college, Joan was discovered by director Mike Nichols, who had her replace Elizabeth Ashley in the Corie role in the national touring company production of Barefoot in the Park. In 1971, when she returned to Broadway as the 16-year-old virgin in The School for Wives, her “innocence and simplicity” got her a Tony nomination–and Hollywood’s favor. She made the move to the West Coast, landing roles on some forgettable series and endless guest spots on everything from The Love Boat to Quincy M.E. to Wonder Woman. It all came together for her portrayal of Valene Ewing, which launched over a decade of stardom for Joan, first on Dallas and then on its popular spinoff Knots Landing. A distinguished career, indeed, but missing one crucial element. Where’s Joan’s perfectly svelte, naked body? Sure, she supplied us with a terrific bikini scene in Red Flag: The Ultimate Game (1981), but Joan, a former marathon runner, has retained her great shape in old age. Don’t believe us? Check her out in the feature film Watercolor Postcards (2013), the short The 636 (2014), the TV movie Psycho Wedding Crasher (2017), or the TV series Doom Patrol. Still, Joan refuses to open the Ark and let her beaver and sweater birds free. That’s a dog-gone shame.